How To Stop Overthinking After Being Cheated On And Build A Stronger Relationship

Overthinking after being cheated on is a common experience. To have experienced a betrayal in this way can leave you feeling hurt, insecure and anxious, so it is natural to react by going over the events in your head (again and again). This is because rumination is a normal response to trauma. 

Unfortunately, such an experience can leave partners in a relationship uncertain whether they can ever feel safe in the relationship again. And without support, the fractured trust may linger for months or even years. 

I’ve supported many people through this experience, and have summarised some core approaches in four key steps. 

Step 1: Acknowledge The Impact (And Take Responsibility)

First of all, it’s important to recognise the impact the betrayal or affair has on you and your relationship. For example, many people are impacted by the experience of being hurt by starting to overthink. This may feel like you’re rehearsing events from the past, that you are second guessing things in the present, or beginning to imagine the worst-case outcomes in the future. This can occur in varying intensity and frequency.

Although this is often hard to face, ignoring the impact this has on you or your relationship (and your sense of trust), will often lead to unresolved hurt and eventually drifting apart in the long term. Therefore, it is most important to acknowledge the impact of the betrayal on you, on your relationship, and on the trust between each other.

The partner who has done the infidelity or betrayal, ideally stops this behaviour. This means they cut off all contact with the affair partner or stops acts that lead to the betrayal (for example, if the hurt is about secret financial spending, to no longer spend in secret and come clean regarding money use).

Once you’ve acknowledged this experience, it is time to set your own intention: the next three steps show you how you can act in order to support that intention.

Step 2: Focus On Your Own Needs

Going through infidelity or betrayal can be a very hurtful experience. That is why it is important to focus on minding yourself and trying to meet your personal needs where possible. This generally falls into the wide category of “self-care”, and this can mean many different things for many different people. 

Practices such as mindfulness or yoga, seeking out support from loved ones and/or seeking out professional help through therapy can be helpful ways to continue to mind yourself while you process the hurt. Whatever it is that allows you to meet your needs in a healthy way, should be one of your focuses after experiencing infidelity or betrayal.

Step 3: Explore The Core Issue Together 

Exploring the underlying, core issues together relies upon healthy communication that navigates conflict with honesty and an appreciation of each other’s needs. The pain of the infidelity experience is often helped by understanding what led to it happening in the first place. 

In my clinical experience, I have found that relationships that explore this together, learn and grow from previous factors and mistakes. Once hurt is expressed and heard, and the ‘causes’ are deeply understood, partners can then make an informed decision whether or not to continue the relationship. 

In many cases, this deep understanding can strengthen the bond and connection - while hard in the moment, can actually lead to a strong, healthy relationship in the future.

Step 4: Reframe The Infidelity Experience

Generally speaking, an infidelity experience itself is not the core issue in a relationship. While there is no denying that the betrayal of infidelity experience is deeply hurtful one, yet it is often a signal that there was/is an underlying issue in the relationship; such as unaddressed expectations or gaps in communication.

So, at a point in the process it is helpful to switch the focus from the infidelity experience itself causing your suffering, to seeing the experience as a signal that there’s another underlying cause. Like exploring if all partners needs where fully met in the first place? Ultimately, this can help to discover potential growth areas for the relationship, while working through the hurt caused.

How Relationship Therapy Helps To Build Stronger Relationships

Investing in your relationship often leads to a stronger connection and bond. Relationship therapy itself provides a protected time where partners in the relationship are free to express themselves.

It provides a focused space for:

• Open communication; over the course of therapy all partners get to express their hurt

• Exploration of expectations; similarly all get to express their hopes and wishes

• Collaboration in establishing shared goals; we work towards a shared and clear understanding if the partners want to continue the relationship or not and if they do, how to make that work.

By fostering understanding, empathy, and mutual agreement, psychotherapy for relationships can assist in bridging the gap between mismatched expectations and enhancing the quality of intimate romantic relationships.

If you wish to explore infidelity or betrayal focussed/recovery therapy with me, Dr Tim van Wanrooij, please reach out to me via the Relationship Page below.