How To Resolve Conflict In Your Relationship

For many people, relationships are at the core of their life. The experience of such a close connection can be an exhilarating. However, there are also occasions where communication may suffer and conflicts may arise. This is a completely natural part of being in a close relationship with another human being. Fortunately, there are several ways you can improve your communication going forward. Below are 5 actionable steps every relationship can take.

1. Create an environment of mutual respect between partners

The way in which partners communicate matters greatly, as every individual can sense when they are both giving and receiving respect. Without feeling that respect, it is difficult for us to communicate openly. At the end of the day, you are speaking with another human being, someone who also has thoughts, feelings and experiences just like you.

So, try to treat each other with respect, regardless of differing opinions, when you are discussing conflict or issues surrounding conflict. For example, it’s a good idea to resist name-calling, raising your voice and focus on the topic at-hand. It’s also extremely valuable to go beyond resisting to point out the “bad things” but to also praise and highlight the good. The best way to arrive at honest dialogue is to be compassionate and kind, and create an environment of mutual respect.

2. Validate each other’s feelings

Instantly telling someone that they are wrong, without recognising and acknowledging their feelings first, is likely to make that person feel misunderstood and unheard. In fact, this can lead to a non-conflict turning into a conflict or the existing conflict becoming worse, as individuals become more defensive.

You can do the following to validate feelings:

• Let your partner finish; do not interrupt

• Make affirmative statements “I hear this is important to you”, “that makes sense”

• Repeating what they said back to check for understanding, then following up with your own questions

3. Allow emotions to come, and come back to the root of the problem

It is important to express our emotions (and also have them validated). However, it is also important to come back to the root cause of the problem at hand, too. For example, remembering to focus on the needs that are not being met is often a useful question to stay focused on what is causing the conflict. Following this with a question such as “and how can I help you to feel better/safer" or “is there something I am doing that goes directly against your needs” can be helpful to move the conversation in a positive direction.

4. Consider re-framing towards a shared perspective

In general, we are taught to think of “losing” something when someone else “wins”. How being right is more important than being connected. However, this perspective can lead to a spiral of negative behaviours when it comes to conflicts in relationships. In relevant psychological frameworks, this has been termed “power over”. The meaning is in the title; one person has power over the other.

Instead of operating on a “power over” framework, consider reframing to a “power with” perpsective. Power with refers to redefining how decisions impact your relationship; instead of it being one winner and one loser, consider it two winners (and may be two losers). Consider it being connected is more important than being right. Seeing the relationship from this perspective may lead to a greater sense of connectedness and less conflict.

5. Remember: conflict is a healthy part of every relationship

The key message is: you are not alone. The strongest and healthiest relationships also face conflict sometimes. It is a natural part of our life; to want to share thoughts and opinions with our partners, and sometimes we may not agree with each other.

Therefore, it is how you approach resolving and repairng conflict in your relationships that matter. Hopefully some of the above tips can help you with that.

It may also be appropriate to seek professional advice. If so, I’d encourage you to reach out to a licensed psychologist.

In my case, I offer individual and relationship therapy, as well as workshops across a range of topics.

Workshop: Improve Your Communication

• Explore different conflict styles and identify the styles you experience the most in your relationships

• Master scientific and evidence-based tools and techniques, to resolve and repair future conflicts for a long and healthy relationships

• Learn practical tools on how to express and communicate your needs, appreciation and concerns

• Understand how subtle power dynamics, influence and control, are at the heart of most relationship, and learn to harness them to strengthen your relationships

• Enjoy an engaging and deeply informative workshop grounded in real world examples provided by Dr Tim van Wanrooij

You'll also have the opportunity to practice these skills in a safe and supportive environment. During the workshop you can share as much or little about your relationship as you’re comfortable with.

For who?

The workshop is designed for both individuals and partners in romantic relationships to attend. Couples of two partners, or relationships of more than two partners are most welcome to attend together!

People of all sexualities, genders and ages welcome & singles and people currently in romantic relationships are both welcome!

The day will be interactive and available for only a limited number of people to attend: we aim for a group size of about 8-14 people. Spaces are therefore extremely limited to ensure everyone gets the most out of it.

Improve Your Communication

If you're ready to improve your communication and conflict resolution skills, and build a stronger and more loving relationship, then the "Improve Your Communication" workshop is for you.

Please check the events page (you can click the button below) for when the next workshop will be, and if you have any specific questions email me at hello@timpsychology.com.